Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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