I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
