from now on my penis is your penis
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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