Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
