When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Did I show you my penis last night?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
