omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
