Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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