For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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