She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
