Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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