I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i love accidental penises.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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