he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
