I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
