he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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