I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
