new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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