i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize