I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
