We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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