At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
