just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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