the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
