You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
