Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
