in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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