I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're a waste of cheezeits
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
