Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
