when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
