If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dear god my vagina.
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