i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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