did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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