She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
