Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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