He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize