Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
