I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
