I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
