She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
