we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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