i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
