Pregnant stripper...not hot.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
