Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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