dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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