If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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