I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
