If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
