im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
