I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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