Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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