You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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