he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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