how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
