oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
